The Complex Bond Between Mother and Daughter

It would be great if all mother-daughter relationships were harmonious, wonderfully peacefully loving. After all, it is said that there is in inexplicable bond between mother and daughter that stays and lingers after and beyond anything else. The mother-daughter relations is so distinct and different from any other. It can give us the strength and inspiration, yet bring us down to quivering shaken esteem too. The complexity of this relationship is such that we usually go through life asking if there's something wrong with ourselves, or with Her!


The distinction of the mother-daughter relationship is such that it is a lifetime learning experience and opportunity for personal growth. We learn to set our egos aside to be able to focus on our love for each other, so we can be there for each other, champion each other instead of destroying each other's being to shreds.

I had grown up often hearing my mother say, "you'll never understand until you become a mother yourself" that I had inured myself to it. Then I became a mother myself and realized the truth to her words.

A mother's aspirations, dreams, ambitions and protective instincts versus the daughter's attempts at self-expression and desperate show of independence. Difficulties in the mother-daughter relationship begin at the same time the ego is rearing itself in the daughter. I call these the 'turbulent years'.

It is important that we realize the changes that are happening to both mother and daughter so we can choose a more fulfilling, healthily loving relationship and avoid many hurts, disappointments and confrontations we would otherwise go through.

During these 'turbulent years' of the daughter's discovery and manifestation of ego, the mother's, on the other hand, is well ensconced. This makes a scenario of competition, for the dominant role in every angle and in the relationship itself. There is the need to be in control. By being "in the right", or winning every argument, we get to think that we are in control of the situation, the relationship and over the other person. It becomes a yelling match, out-talking each other, threatening each other, throwing out names or dagger looks in imposing a silent war. These are called ego-based actions/reactions and only enhance the belief of control, which is actually only an illusion.

I would reflect after every confrontation with my daughter and I realized it was draining me physically and emotionally and it wasn't helping our relationship any. I thought of maybe letting go of the need to win, to prove myself right, to have the last word. The result was almost an instantaneous turn-around! My ego-need triggered the same response in her. When I let go of that need, there was no similar need in her too. There was no contest anymore for any of us to "win" and a dawning realization came over me. This person is as much a part of me as the rest of my body and I remembered that I love her.

In the final analysis, the way we react to a situation leads the direction of that interaction. Releasing our grip on our ego frees us from the illusion of control and directs us into another dimension - of growth and empowerment. Here, we gain another kind of power because we have allowed the other to have the same power. In this case, you are empowering a person you love, by humbling yourself.