Smart Women Know, Commit and Practice Their Values

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My son Jack recently joined Cub Scouts here in our community. His "den" leader is an older man, sort of a grandfather type who is very wise and shares some interesting information with the boys (did you know that if you're in need of the police, you should dial 311 and not 411?). When a boy becomes a Cub Scout, he receives a book about what it means to take on this role. An early part of the book is about following a "set of values." They encourage the boys to know, commit, and practice these values. This got me thinking about how Smart Women know, commit, and practice their own values.


When I was growing up, I don't remember many conversations about values. I was told to always say please and thank you. Always tell the truth. Always be on time. Respect your elders. These were the basic "values" in our home. Good stuff to be sure, and ideas that I pass on to my own children today. However, the world has changed since I was a little girl. Women today play so many roles. We are creative beings with Big Ideas, Dreams, and Goals. We take care of our spouse or life partner, children, aging parents. We run large and small businesses. We are active in our communities. We are the "glue" that keeps everyone and everything together. (I went to visit my Mom and sister for a few days and before I departed, I handed my husband Greg a 3-page single-spaced document of what needed to be done over the course of 5 days to keep the family running smoothly!)

Women today need to create the time and space to think about what truly holds value for them. They need to know, commit, and practice these values. If you need some support in identifying your own values, I've included some ideas for you below:

1. Self-care - Do you take time to value and honor yourself? Spa days, lunch with nutritious friends--you know, gals who champion you and make you laugh. Quiet time just for you to journal, meditate, take a walk or exercise? This is typically the last thing women do--take care of themselves, so I'm putting it first on this list!

2. Couple - Do you make time for date night with your significant other? Time to re-connect is so important. When I get busy and overwhelmed with everything, this can be the area that I neglect. I take my husband for granted sometimes. The reconnection is so important (especially if you have children!)

3. Children - Do you have date night with your children? Greg and I started doing this recently and it has been a valuable experience. We take turns spending time with each of our children alone. Jack and I went to the Dodger game last week and the bond between us was strengthened so much just from that one outing.

4. Family - Having quality time with family is essential. I feel fortunate that both my parents are still living and in good health. Although the East Coast is their home, I make time to call and plan to get together as often as I can.

5. Business and Career - What do you value about your business? What's the purpose or mission? Why did you start your business? What value are you providing to your clients and customers?

6. Community - What do you value about your community? Is there something that you are passionate about? Are you serving in some way that feels right for you?

In the Women's Success Circles, focus is on values and what they mean to each woman. The six mentioned above give you a guideline to get you thinking about what's important. Sometimes we know what they are and we can even verbalize these values. Do you commit to them? Do you practice them? That's the bigger question. Women oftentimes will say "yes" to something because we want to help others. The challenge is it may not be something that's on our "values radar screen."

I invite you to think about what your values are. Know them. Commit to them. Practice them. You'll feel so empowered, energized, and inspired when you do.

Anything is possible. Everything is waiting for you.


© 2009 Joy Chudacoff

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Joy Chudacoff, ICF, PCC, is the founder of Smart Women Smart Solutions(tm), a Professional Certified Coach to 1000's of women, Motivational Speaker, and Entrepreneur. She publishes a weekly buzz generating ezine, Reflections On Life and Business for Women Entrepreneurs. If you're ready take your life and your business to the next level, get your FREE Tips, FREE Report and FREE MP3 now at Profits With Passion.


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Position of Women in Today's Society

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Since times immemorial women have been oppressed by the patriarchal machinery. This steady decline in the status of women can be traced back to the post-Rigvedic period. IT is interesting to note that women were ascribed a relatively superior position in times earlier than that, they being allowed to pursue education to an extent and having a say in important decisions like the choice of a husband. this can perhaps be traced back to the system of 'swayamvara', an ancient Indian custom in which a woman was granted the privilege of choosing her groom from amongst many suitors.


With the passage of time however, certain changes came to be wrought upon society. Women came to be ascribed a much inferior status,reduced ti the position of the domestic servant and the machinery for procuring offspring. With the home gradually being demarcated as the domain of her activity, her trespassing of that boundary came to be looked upon as a serious offence. She gradually came to lose her right to education or even to harbour opinions on any serious issues. the oppression of patriarchy gradually led her to lose her identity a be reduced to a puppet who would dance to the tunes of her patriarchal lords.

In today's day however, there seems to be some improvement in this condition. One should note that this change is only apparent, and perhaps even more insidious than the relatively simpler trajectory on which patriarchy operated in earlier times. While today's woman is being allowed to acquire education and also permitted to venture out of doors in search of work, she is also expected to fulfill the roles of a subservient wife and the self-abnegating mother. There seems to have infiltrated in modern times, a doubly coercive system that makes its claims both on the woman`s income as well as on her selfhood.

Is There a Connection Between More Independent Women and Marriage and Divorce Statistics?

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In recent times the number of people getting married has fallen significantly, while the number of divorces have been going up. Another trend that has been happening at the same time is that women are becoming more independent. So is there a connection between these two trends.


There was a time when the typical family consisted of a man going out to work, while his wife would stay at home as a housewife and look after the children. There has been a large shift away from this over the past half a century. In the United Kingdom this started to a certain extent during and after the Second World War. With many working men fighting during the war, it was necessary for women to step in and perform jobs traditionally done by men, such as working in factories. Many women enjoyed working, and wanted to carry on after the war was finished. This lead to many more women in the work place, and this trend has continued ever since.

Women have a much more important role in the work place these days than ever before. Whereas once upon a time men were dominant within many industries, women are now equally represented in most working environment. Statistics show that girls tend to get better qualifications than boys, and this can obviously lead to them getting better jobs, and earning more money. So financially women are almost just as likely to be receiving a high salary as men. I say "almost" as likely because statistics show that there are still more men than women in the highest paid jobs in business. However, on average women earn a lot more than they ever have before. This means that women are much more likely to be able to support themselves than fifty years ago. Many can get by fine without having to get married, and if they are married and are getting divorced it may not be such a financial burden.

Part of this is connected to the whole way society has changed. Going back over history in many ways women were treated as second class citizens, but this is no longer the case. Early in the twentieth century women weren't even allowed to vote. They were unable to vote in Britain until 1917, when women over 30 were granted this right. It wasn't until another eleven years later, in 1928 when they were given the same voting rights as men. Women in most other countries weren't allowed to vote until around this time either, with some countries much later.

There was a time when getting married was just what you did. It was almost automatic that everyone wanted to get married. These days many women choose not to. They do not feel forced to, and this is part of the overall independence that women feel they have these days.

Many of these trends also apply to divorce. It is not considered such as issue for women to get divorced and be single again. Divorce is not looked down upon by society like it once was. Being a divorced woman no longer has the negative tag it once did.

The Complex Bond Between Mother and Daughter

It would be great if all mother-daughter relationships were harmonious, wonderfully peacefully loving. After all, it is said that there is in inexplicable bond between mother and daughter that stays and lingers after and beyond anything else. The mother-daughter relations is so distinct and different from any other. It can give us the strength and inspiration, yet bring us down to quivering shaken esteem too. The complexity of this relationship is such that we usually go through life asking if there's something wrong with ourselves, or with Her!


The distinction of the mother-daughter relationship is such that it is a lifetime learning experience and opportunity for personal growth. We learn to set our egos aside to be able to focus on our love for each other, so we can be there for each other, champion each other instead of destroying each other's being to shreds.

I had grown up often hearing my mother say, "you'll never understand until you become a mother yourself" that I had inured myself to it. Then I became a mother myself and realized the truth to her words.

A mother's aspirations, dreams, ambitions and protective instincts versus the daughter's attempts at self-expression and desperate show of independence. Difficulties in the mother-daughter relationship begin at the same time the ego is rearing itself in the daughter. I call these the 'turbulent years'.

It is important that we realize the changes that are happening to both mother and daughter so we can choose a more fulfilling, healthily loving relationship and avoid many hurts, disappointments and confrontations we would otherwise go through.

During these 'turbulent years' of the daughter's discovery and manifestation of ego, the mother's, on the other hand, is well ensconced. This makes a scenario of competition, for the dominant role in every angle and in the relationship itself. There is the need to be in control. By being "in the right", or winning every argument, we get to think that we are in control of the situation, the relationship and over the other person. It becomes a yelling match, out-talking each other, threatening each other, throwing out names or dagger looks in imposing a silent war. These are called ego-based actions/reactions and only enhance the belief of control, which is actually only an illusion.

I would reflect after every confrontation with my daughter and I realized it was draining me physically and emotionally and it wasn't helping our relationship any. I thought of maybe letting go of the need to win, to prove myself right, to have the last word. The result was almost an instantaneous turn-around! My ego-need triggered the same response in her. When I let go of that need, there was no similar need in her too. There was no contest anymore for any of us to "win" and a dawning realization came over me. This person is as much a part of me as the rest of my body and I remembered that I love her.

In the final analysis, the way we react to a situation leads the direction of that interaction. Releasing our grip on our ego frees us from the illusion of control and directs us into another dimension - of growth and empowerment. Here, we gain another kind of power because we have allowed the other to have the same power. In this case, you are empowering a person you love, by humbling yourself.