I'll always miss you

Written by beautifullyblind

I look back on that day and really think of how much of a fool I was. To think that I would just forget about it and move on with my life was just a dream. It is still and will always be there. I aborted my unborn child, and no one close to me knows. I went to the clinic by myself. I drove the 45 minutes there and back. I walked past the protesters that walked up to my car to tell me I was a murderer. I walked the walk of shame opening the doors to my reality. The whole time not shedding a tear. Just staring at the other girls feeling worse for them then myself. I talked to a girl that was 15 weeks along. She was already showing. I was "lucky" because I was only 6 weeks. I found out I was pregnant on a Monday and was in the clinic that Wednesday. I wanted to just get it over with. And that's what I did. I laid back on the bed and stared at the butterflies and flowers on the ceiling. Waiting for everything to just be over. The doctor commented on my not making any sounds and I just closed my eyes waiting to get off of the horrible table. I walked down the hallway to the recovery room where other girls were sobbing and doubled over in pain. I didn't want the juice or crackers that the nurses offered me. I just wanted to leave. She told me I could go after changing and I wanted to run out of there. As I was leaving that girl that I had talked to had her blanket up to her nose sobbing her heart out. As I walked past her I reached for her hand and squeezed it. We looked at each other with the look that we had made the biggest decision of our lives and it was never going to be the same again. And it never has been. I still think about all of those girls that were in the clinic with me that day. How are they dealing with it all now? Does it go away or stay with you forever? Do they wonder what life would be with our children? I know I do. I wonder if he/she would have looked like me or the father. I look in his eyes every morning and see our child. A child that I'll never meet. A child that I'll never hold. A child I'll never kiss. But it is a child that I will always love with all my heart and I wish I could bring you back to me. I'm sorry I was weak and selfish. I'll never forgive myself and will always miss you.

Comments:
 
FaithAngel289 says...


written by FaithAngel289 , April 27, 2009

I felt the same way two years ago when i found out i was pregnant. I had a boyfriend at the time but it didnt seem to bother him. I was young and stupid and as much as i needed to get it done i hated myself for doing it. I never forgave myself and always thought about the unborn baby i never had. I wondered if it was a boy or girl, i wondered is it was like me, i wondered is it had ambision...It was the worst mistake of my life and i believe that it why im pregnant today..I never got over it and wished i had listened to my heart and not of followed what my boyfriend thought...I never realized till it was to late that he was wooried and only cared for himself...I am not gonna sit here and lie to ya and say it will get better and you will get past it cuz you wont but you soon will be content with ot knowing its what you had to do...I dont think anyone ever forgets there abortions cuz its a part of you that will always keep you wondering but dont ignore your feelings if you wanna cry then cry cuz thats what best heals the heart....two years later im still cryin about the baby i never knew...



tiffany says...

written by tiffanyronline , April 28, 2009

My situation is similar to yours. I found out that I was 6 weeks pregnant on a Monday and went to get an abortion on that following Wednesday. While waiting in the waiting area I didn't shed a tear, I was actually anxious to get the process over with. However, after the procedure I was the one that was heartbroken. Your right you will never forget and it does not go away. I think our biggest mistake was that we rushed to get the abortion instead of thinking the whole situation out. I rushed to get the abortion because I was experiencing so many different changes at one time, emotionally, physically and spiritually that I just didnt know what to do. I tried talking to others who had an abortion and actually have children but its different when your the one feeling sick everyday, so I didnt listen to them. I felt bad after the abortion because I was already use to not liking certain foods, feeling tired certain times of the day etc, so once I left the clinic I felt that I left something behind which I did, MY CHILD.....



sassy0926 says...

written by sassy0926 , April 29, 2009

I know your pain. I had an abortion 14 years ago. I have thought about that baby everyday since. It never gets easier. Not fo me anyway. I wasn't told about the development of the baby then. I was 8 weeks, and they didn't do Ultrasounds back then before abortions. I am an Ultrasound tech now, and I just scanned a lady who was 7 weeks, and it about killed me. Her baby was already moving, the heart starts beating @ 5 weeks. It IS murder. I know that God forgives us, but I will never forgive myself for not standing up to my mother, and refusing the abortion. I didn't want to have the abortion, but lacked the confidence to stand up and refuse. I was threatened with not having any place to live. I am praying for you.



angemmm says...

written by angemmm , May 03, 2009

beautifullyblind, please don't be so hard on yourself. I was 16 when I terminated a pregnancy at 12 weeks. I'm 22 now. At the time my boyfriend had ditched me and run off with a 'friend'. i thought my life was over and decided on a termination although to this day I wonder if I made the right decision. What I can tell you about my experience though is that although I still feel guilty about what I did, it does get better. You are so brave for going on your own. I would urge you to speak to somebody about what happened, it will help i promise. Get counseling if you cant confide in someone that you know. It may help speaking to somebody impartial. I wish you all the luck in the world and stay strong. I promise it will get easier, enjoy your life and when the time is right, you will have a much loved child. xxx



rylene says...

written by rylene , May 06, 2009

Beautifullyblind dont be hard on yourself know that everything happens for a reason,and God would have not put you through this if he didnt think you'll make it.And he forgives you.Doing what you did alone was really brave of you to do.i think that You need to talk to someone so that it would make things lighter on your path knowng that the person you spoke to is there for you an that he/she is always going to give you the right answers an just be honest with you.Well if you dont know who to talk to Things will work out for you for the better trust me and this will just be a learning experience when you look back on it knowing that one day you can give your children an many other people advise on things like this knowing what you went through.All of the Best & God Bless



christina88 says...

written by christina88 , May 09, 2009

IM SORRY THAT U HAD TO GO THREW THAT, I BEEN THREW IT BEFORE MYSELF AND I FEEL THE SAME WAY, I DIDNT TELL MANY PEOPLE EITHER AND I DIDNT TELL THE FATHER UNTILL IT WAS ALL OVER AND I WENT TO TALK TO SO MANY DIFFERENT PEOPLE THAT I THOUGHT WAS JUST THERE TO JUDGE ME BUT WHEN I FINALLY FORGAVE MYSELF I FELT ALOT BETTER BUT I WILL NEVER EVER FORGET THAT FEELING WHEN MY BABY WAS KICKING MY RIBS OR MOVING WHEN I WAS TRYING TO SLEEP. SO IF YOU JUST FORGIVE YOURSELF YOU MIGHT FEEL ALOT BETTER BUT THATS SOMETHIGN YOU WILL NEVER FORGET AND YOU LEARNED FROM YOUR MISTAKES.



Chooky01 says...

written by Chooky01 , May 12, 2009

hey i fell pregnant at 16 and had my son when i had turned 17 I had two teerminations after my 18th birthday and the amount of pain and shame is hurtful. But I made the decision to continue with my education and thats what I did



jane2002 says...

written by jane2002 , May 13, 2009

dear beautifullyblind, i hope that if you are ever faced with a similar situation you will choose differently. I would just like to point out that while many people have commented that it was brave/courageous to go to the clinic alone, that it is actually the opposite. abortion is not bravery, it is cowardice.



EJK1109 says...

written by EJK1109 , May 15, 2009

I feel the same way. At the abortion i barley cried in the waiting room i just sat there. but now everyday i think how ive killed my baby and how im going to the worst mother ever. I'll never forgive myself for what i did to my own blood



respect411 says...

written by respect411 , May 15, 2009

Hun, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I got pregnant twice when I was 20 years old. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and the guy that I was with was completely devastated. Unfortunately, things didn't work out with us and over the next couple of months I grew into the bond that I had when I was pregnant the first time.... how much I loved the closeness and how much I needed that bond. It was then a couple months later that one of my best friends got me pregnant. I was overjoyed, so happy that I had been given another chance. Unfortunately with him, as soon as he heard, he changed his phone number, moved and deleted all of his whereabouts that I knew of. It was a huge strain since I wanted everything to be okay - when it really wasn't. I ended up listening to my parents and sisters - the worst mistake I could ever make!! I was on my 18th week, feeling lonely and a little down. I was and still am 100 billion times against abortion. I finally broke down and confessed to my parents that it would be the last and the only time that I would allow myself to get an abortion. On exactly my 20th week, I went into the clinic. I waited for 4 hours before they called me in. I remember laying on the operating table... and the next thing I know, I was awake, in that uncomfortable hospital bed. I felt overwhelmed, sad and guilty. To this day I still do. What's really frustrating is, is that my best friend went along with her heart and fullfilled her pregnancy and guess what? She gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy on my due date! It hit me hard. Very hard. But, now Im with a wonderful guy who loves me for me. Even though I know in my heart that I want my unborn child back, that will never happen until I try again. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and just do over what I did. I know Im bound to be a young mom. But the timing was just a little off. Unfortunately,I will never forgive myself for what I did. That I couldn't be strong enough or willing to even give up my child to a family who really wanted another love. But truthfully, I would have kept my child. Even if it hurt me. Im so sorry my angels. Please please forgive me....



RaeRae says...

written by RaeRae , May 20, 2009

I know exactly how you feel...I was 5 weeks though...I always think about the other girls and how they ended up dealing with it...I went in Nov 7...and it is now may and I still cry about it everyday...I feel your pain...and I'm so sorry...keep your head up



babykaye says...

written by babykaye , May 22, 2009

I'm reading all your comments & i'm stuck in the same boat you were before you had the termination done. Im 19, 4 months almost & i'm not showing yet. The father of my baby wants me to have the abortion but i don't have the heart to although when thinking about everything & putting it into prospective, that does seem like the best option. Everything with the father is complicated & i know that's no excuse but i'm really confused on what to do. I hate lying to my parents about not being pregnant but what else must i do. My friends insist on me keeping the baby but honestly i have no idea what's going on & i'm totally scared.



Light1 says...

written by Light1 , May 28, 2009

Dear Babykaye,



I used to be a councilor for a pro-life group in Australia. I used to talk to the women and young girls going in to have an abortion. Please please know one thing - although the situation at present is difficult, and you feel that there is no-one to turn to, believe me, my experience from talking to many young women who have had an abortion is, it is far better to have these natural worries than having to cope with the pain, guilt and question-upon-question that burden the lives of those who have been through an abortion.



They have a saying in Australia, "there are far worse things to visit your home than the arrival of an unplanned child". You have a child who needs you - ending the life of your beautiful baby will not solve an immediate problem...it actually creates a life-long problem and one with more pain and regret that one could ever have imagined. You have a child and together you can take on the world and everything that it throws at you!



I hope that I have been of some help: here are some contacts:

www.lifecharity.org.uk - if you are in the UK

www.sistersoflife.org/contactus.html - if you are in the US



Please contact them - they will be able to provide you with everything and anything you need; whether just someone to talk to, or practical help i.e. help with accommodation etc



God bless





StephieBoo says...

written by StephieBoo , June 02, 2009

Nov. 2007...17 years old(i got pregnant @ 16)..abortion..was it the right thing to do.? i really dont kno. but i did think that that was the best option for me, now i kno it wasn..I'm 18 now and i miss my baby more and more everyday but now im slowly but surely starting to forgive myself, and I kno God has..he has done nothin but smiled on me every since that dreadful day..and im truly thankful..my strength strecthes out to you and i hope you find the strength to forgive yourself..because i have. Love ya much beautifullyblind..be strong sweets



cheza says...

written by cheza , June 08, 2009

I know exactly how yo feel I was 16 when I fell pregant and my BF at the tym did not have a job i didnt know what to do my dad wanted me to have the abortion and I did in order keep him happy my bf's parents hated me and called me all sorts of tings I was admited to hospital shortly there after for stress and depression I had a nervous break down, while I was there I met a lady and I jus needed to speak and cry coz I felt like lyf wasnt worth living and I was a bad person and that I would never forgive myself and GOD wud never forgive me for what I did but she sed someting to me that changed ,y veiw of tings yes it is not our choice or place to take some1 life but if you cannot bring life into this world and you do that you are being even more selfish she told me that the only way God would 4give me is if I forgave myself naturally that was not easy to do but at that point I needed Gods forgivness other wise I wudnt of made it and I would of stayed in that state of mind and I would not of realised that what happend, happend for a reason, today that guy and I are not together anymore he still doesnt have a job and my dad was retrenched, we live with my grandfather and the guy I dated treated me badly, my lesson was that we cannot see into the future but God knows and he knows whats best for us... I hope that you find the closure yo are looking for and that yo know that you are never alone



Broken2321 says...

written by Broken2321 , June 23, 2009

To Beautifullyblind... Theres never a day that passes that I don't think about the day I went through it. I too remember looking at the girl next to me. I reached for her hand also. In that very moment my heart was truly broken. I went alone and left alone. I still cry at times and regret it. That day I left a part of me that I will never get to meet. Everyday I pray that I am forgiven. I think of my reasons for doing what I did and how I want my children to have the life that I never had. I grew up with both parents. My dad used to hit my mother. I think about how much my mother put up with for us. Not only is she one of the strongest woman I know but I also was afraid to have the life she did. My heart is filled with so much sadness even still. I never told him either, but just two days after I found out he was trying to get to know someone else. Nothing happened between them but the intention was there. After that I never felt so alone. I just hope that one day I don't feel so hurt anymore, but what can we do? Things like this mold you into the person you want to become in the future. When memories become pieces you can look back on as a reminder of what was. Lets live through experience and use these lessons as a reflection of self.



Love Broken



sophie09 says...

written by sophie09 , June 27, 2009

Im not very good at writin, things always get jumbled up. But im gunna try.

im currently 12 weeks pregnant. been with my bf for 2 years now, Loved him to pieces. I gave up everything for him, His my heart my soul, and my best friend. I was scared to tell him, as his a muslim, and not allowed children unless his married, so first thing he said was, get rid! Which was like somebody carvin my heart out with a knife. All i ever wanted was for a nice bf and children. Now his left me until i get rid of my baby. How can i get rid of my baby, havin red all these comments and stories about how you people feel afterwards .. Every night since he left, i cry my self to sleep, the pain is unbearable. Even had thoughts of, id kill myself 1st, so get what i want either way. You people are so much stronger than i will ever be. Wish i had the currage to be like some people on here.My heart pines for both of them, I just dont know which way to turn next.



nettiereloaded says...

written by nettiereloaded , June 30, 2009

ok... im 16. my boyfriend and i had sex 3-4 weeks ago. it was unprotected. i know that i am stupid for saying yes. i dont know what i will do if i do become pregnant. im soooo sorry that you had to go through an abortion. i hope that the thought of it will never come into my head if i do turn out to be pregnant. i know that i will never chose it. i will live with my responsibilities.



alicia871 says...

written by alicia871 , July 01, 2009

I know how you feel hurt and everyday might feel harder then the next but i have been there and the only advice i can give you is to trust God to help you and to think happy thoughts of your baby because that is what i do and it helps me get through each day. Sad thing was the day of my abortion i asked my ex boyfriend if i have to do it and he said yes and while i was in pain at the abortion clinic he went shopping and bought him tackies etc. and he told his family that i was having moods when i wanted him to support me with the pain after the abortion. I know your pain and i will say a special prayer for you tonight. Remember healing can only start when you start believing that your baby is in heaven and watching down on you from above. Be strong sweety..



bubblelov says...

written by bubblelov , July 03, 2009

babykaye i kno how u feel im 19.6 months and 9 weeks preg and can not decide wat 2 do..iv told my bf of not yet 3months n he says he does not want it.. his not ready 2 b a dad.how can i decide wat i want wen i dont kno wat i want?? i dont want to destroy his life but i dont want to do somthing im goin 2regret for the rest of my life!!im soo scared either way...i dont kno if im ready to be a mum i donno how im going to support it....at the same time i cant kill something tht im already in love with!!! my bf says im jus hormonal and it will go away im so confused as 2 what to do..



bellagrace26 says...

written by bellagrace26 , July 03, 2009

I was in a similar situation. I got pregnant when I was 21, completely broke, about to graduation from college. I remember the day I got pregnant, it was Jan. 11, 2004. The father was my fiance, but even before I got pregnant I knew I didn't really love him and I didn't want to have a child with him. I was weak and scared and didn't know how to do it alone. I didn't have a job, and so I decided to get an abortion. I had it on Valentine's Day. I was 6 weeks, and I remember going in there and seeing all the girls waiting, and in the operating room the nurse held my hand and there was a poster on the ceiling, one of those ABC's about life kinds, and I just kept staring at L: "Live your life for yourself, and no one else." But I should have been living for someone else: For my baby. I think about that every single day. That baby would be 4 years old now. I think about what she would be like. In Feb. 2007, I got pregnant again, in much the same situation. I was in grad school, dirt poor, the father was my fiance (a different guy than the first), although I did love him and want to marry him. But this time, I decided I was keeping this baby, no matter what. And in the end, everything has been wonderful. My beautiful daughter is now almost 2, and she is the light of my life. NO matter what situation you are in, when you hold your baby for the first time, all the problems disappear. If I could go back I would have never had an abortion. I think all the time about that baby, about how my daughter would have adored her older sibling, about how she's not supposed to be my oldest child. No matter what your decision is, when you get pregnant your life changes forever.



rmwrigh says...

written by rmwrigh , July 21, 2009

Girls, not only will you have to live with the pain of losing your baby, but future generations live with it too. My mother told me a few years ago that she aborted my sibling. It broke my heart. I think about my unborn sibling all the time and weap because I never had the oppurtunity to know my brother or sister. I have confidence and peace that I will see my sibling in heaven, but I long for my lost sibling and best friend. If you are considering having an abortion, think about the future generations and the huge devastation YOUR decision will cause!



sunflower2105 says...

written by sunflower2105 , August 01, 2009

i had my termination last year when i found out i was 8 weeks pregnant i decided to take the non surgical pills. i hadn't told anyone i was too scared of their reaction and disappointment i had to take the tablets over two days i suffered bad cramps sickness diarrhea they said it would pass out of my body into the toilet. which i thought it had. over a period of 11 weeks i was still suffering sharp pain and sickness i went bk to the clinic when they did the scan i found out i was still pregnant and the the tables hadn't worked i was then 19 weeks and only had 5 weeks to decide if i wanted to keep my baby or to carry on with a surgical abortion. the worst thing for me was seeing the scan and seeing my child at 19 weeks. with how things were in my life i thought that it would be the right decision to carry on with abortion that day broke my heart and i am unable to shift it from my mind. like all you girls i day dream weather if i would have had a boy or a girl what they would be like the love i have for that child that isint even here is incredible. i thought i could move on and time will heal but theres not a day goes by that i dont see the scan in my mind and question did i do the right thing. i dont think you can even fully forgive yourself im not the same person anymore i feel lost and i dont know what to do with myself



werdbaby says...

written by werdbaby , August 01, 2009

WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES NOR MATTER HOW BIG OR SMALL THAT MISTAKE IS. WE ALL LEARN FROM THEM MISTAKES.



jenbby says...

written by jenbby , August 04, 2009

Im Confused & lost im only 15 and just found out im having a baby i feel your pain i been thinking about having an abortion but know that i have read our storie you helped me out alot and i know someday your lil one will forgive you so stay strong and i know its hard bt you have the stand up girls to help you out and thanks to your storie i know that my lil one should live even though its going to be hard ill have to put up with the 9 months



carnikki says...

written by carnikki , August 10, 2009

im 19, and almost 14 weeks pregnant. i have an appointment to have an abortion this thursday, and it was the hardest decision i ever had to make. but this whole pregnancy is about me and this baby, and having a baby under the circumstances im under wouldn't be the best idea. i know i wont be able to take care of a baby right now, i know i'd never be able to give my baby the life i want to give it. i know my family is hurting over my decision, but in reality it's my choice and i have to do what i think is right. my hearts already broken over this, and im going to ask myself the same questions (who he/she would have looked like, what his/her first word would have been, ect.) i know i'll never be able to hold, kiss or hug my first baby and that's going to hurt forever. i don't think the hurt from doing this will ever go away, but i do know that my baby and God will forgive me for this. my baby knows i love him/her and that im doing this for both of us... my baby's going to go to heaven and look down and take care of her mommy cuz no matter what happens in my life i'll think about that baby everyday, and i'll love it with all my heart. you're only a bad person for having an abortion if you don't eventually forgive yourself - that's what i believe anyway.



im going to show my baby what i can do, and even tho its not here with me i know it will love me and be proud of me. im going to show him/her i didn't just do this out of selfishness.



mom_of_the_best says...

written by mom_of_the_best , August 16, 2009

I`m sorry but there is absolutely positively no reason any one should get an abortion. I am a 20 year old single mother and i love it. I started at an early age i was 15 years old when i first found out i was 9 weeks pregnant, i was living with my stepmother and father. My parents were away at a baseball game for my little brother and i got into some trouble so they drove all the way home and got me. We were there for about a week and came home, my stepmother told me we were goin to the dr monday so i could get on some type of birth control, when we got to the dr she examined me walked out the room and came back in and told me a 15 year old GIRL that i was 9 weeks pregnant with a child...I was shocked all i could do was cry and the same for my stepmom. My dad was so anxious to come home from work cause he was so upset that he lost his job of 5 or 6 years. They pressured me and tried to make me get an abortion even though i was a baby myself i stood up for what i thought was right and i told them no. So they told me i had to get an abortion or leave, that`s when my real mother stepped in because she didn`t believe in abortions either, i moved out of town with her. The worst was yet to come i hated my life with my mother it killed me and stressed me out to even be with her. So my stepmom and my dad drove 8 hours to rescue there 16 year old pregnant daughter. I came home and found out that my unborn child was sick but it was too late. I went to the dr at 7 months pregnant and found out that my baby had died, i was devastated. I had to bury my child 4 days before Christmas, but they say everything happens for a reason. I dropped out of school doin all the wrong things and ended up hangin with the wrong people clubbin doing drugs and hanging out all hours of the night. Then one day i had a rude awakenin i was pregnant once again 3 1/2 years later. my childs father wanted nothin to do with me or my daughter but i said owell everything happens for a reason so i had my daughter in my home town with my stepmother and my father. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl in March 2009 and i wouldn`t trade it for the world, i went back to school got my nursing certification and started working a well paying job so now i have no problem taking care of my daughter....So for ANY & EVERYONE who has had an abortion i feel bad for U.... U really don`t kno what your missing especially if u have an abortion.. a child doesn`t ask to come in this world u bring them here and u wanna take the little bit of time they had here.... to be honest that`s really FUCKED up and i don`t even curse...u should be ashamed of yourself...i have one question...WHAT IF U WERE ABORTED?????



shine says...

written by shine , August 17, 2009

i don't know if you ever forget or if you ever truly forgive yourself, but i hope you do. i had an abortion 12 days ago and walking into that clinic i wore this false confidence just so i could make myself believe i didn't care, but now here i am almost two weeks later crying in my office at work. i don't think any one will ever understand the way you feel inside when you think that you had the ability to give life, but instead you choose to have an abortion. i think i was even worse because i did it to hide away from the stares i would get in public or the things people would say, the look in my mother's eyes when i would tell her... i just couldn't and that's funny because after the abortion i still feel like i just can't live with what i think of myself and the looks i give myself in the mirror.



beautiful soul says...

written by beautiful soul , August 25, 2009

sweeetheart.... u think no one cares??...... the good news is that....... God cares so much..... if u think that what u've done is too bad..... i just wanna encourage you that God loves you and he is still knocking on the door of your heart for you to return to him......it's never too late to repent..... much love & prayers sister.......



okkoech says...

written by okkoech , September 09, 2009

i agree with beautiful souls, God is able! i have also faced hard decisions in life, i got a new girlfriend and we were dating just after about 7 months, she looked scared and suspicious and one day she told me if i can still love her after a certain story, i promised i will, she anvailed thAT SHE HAD AN ABORTION OF THE FORMER BOYFRIENDS CHILD!, i was confused, she sow that and we all broke into tears, we had not had any intercourse, was contemplating letting go coz was scared but for her sake she looked even more depressed, begged my understanding..it was hard for me to decide but i forgave her and we continued on till now shes my girlfriend and planning to marry her. we only pray For gods forgiveness.

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